Published by Turner Maxwell Books
First published 2008.
Copyright © Lionel Refson 2008
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Warning: Not suitable for children
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental and may be more the work of your own imagination. Why not write a book yourself? Turner Maxwell Books are an alternative co-operative of new writers, working towards publishing inspirational literature.
Printed and bound in the United Kingdom for Turner Maxwell Books.
God? An Irreligious Book by Lionel Refson
In simplicity, there is a hidden complexity. Yes, a deep complexity of logic and argument. Slowly savour it. Suspend belief and disbelief. Forget all you think you know and open your mind.
This book is not just for believers, it's relevant to you as well.
£8.99
Chapter 1 - August 20th 2000 Part 1
The dreaded day had arrived and I was going to have to shatter an old man’s dreams. I didn’t enjoy any of the things I normally relished upon rising; my power shower, selecting the right suit, the smell of coffee, driving the Porsche to work, the way the morning sun filtered through the expensive blinds to brighten up my swanky West End office. Even the pretty smile of my secretary, Emma didn’t raise my spirits and when the phone rang, her falsetto telephone voice grated ever so slightly.
“Refsons Literary Agents how may I help you?” she sang in her sweet but slightly nasally tone. Then on hearing the reply she flicked the hold button and in an unnecessary whisper announced to me that Dr Nathan was going to be about fifteen minutes late.
I raised my thumbs half-heartedly and turned my attention to the post, but there was little to occupy me for the next hour or so until the Doctor arrived. I thought about dictating a letter to one of my new finds who had written a good new draft but my heart wasn’t in it. So instead, I did what I always do in a difficult moment. I sent Emma out for a sandwich, a newspaper and a coffee. Then I put my feet up on the desk, and clasping my hands behind my head leant back on the leather recliner, looked up at the ceiling and began to think things through.
The book in question was going to fail miserably, that I was sure of. We’d had a good run together the old Doctor and I, but I’d recently been thinking for a while that he was getting too long in the tooth and possibly a little senile to write professionally anymore. This wasn’t just the arrogant opinion of a younger man. After all his last book entitled the Mysterious Essenes barely made it and it didn’t help that he kept trying to persuade everyone he met to learn how to live like one. He was promising a long and healthy life and seemed to be on a mission to help people. That sort of thing always worried me. We’re all in this world for ourselves, that was my philosophy. Yet I felt I owed him and so I’d asked Emma yesterday to cancel all my appointments to give the old man my full attention, it was the least I could do. However I did also tell her to put the most important calls through, I had a business to run after all.
I sat there considering the best way of breaking the news to him, as I had done on and off for the best part of a week already and I’d more or less decided on the direct approach. I thought back to our previous meetings. I’d represented him for nine books in all, in ten years and I have to say I’d found them all to be interesting, though not exactly mainstream. I knew his whole life history of course.
The Doctor was 89 years old; a German Jew who’d been smuggled out just before the Holocaust began in earnest. He had studied hard and became a qualified Psychologist as well as a widely read Philosopher and Theologian and his best two books The Suppressed Gospels and The Vatican Cover-Ups, whilst not best-sellers did have a popular following among intellectuals and the Public alike. But he was not the sort to sell out, as he himself put it. He always insisted on passing on the facts as best as he could and didn’t see the need to embellish them shrouding them in secrecy and mystery. He hated the way books with serious content and implications had to be wrapped in a fancy fictional thriller type narrative to attract attention. He always made the point that the latter either accidentally distracted the reader from the importance of the former or deliberately hid the weakness in the factual argument. Either way he detested the literary device, which was why, in my opinion, he never became a best-seller. Whilst secretly agreeing with his principle, I was more aware than he was that these days packaging was everything. He was that rare breed, a scrupulously honest man, but he was becoming a bit of an anachronism and I couldn’t be seen to carry dead weight. I guess it was a touch of vanity on my part.
I also had the feeling that his new book might spell the end of our friendship, and that upset me. The work seemed somehow childish, naïve and fanciful in places and more than a little unrelated to the real world which was not good for what was meant to be a serious piece of work. That was my view anyway and I was going to have to be the one to tell l him. He wasn’t going to like it.
My thoughts drifted to my own failed writing career. I just hadn’t persevered. With hindsight, I knew that. Even though my university lecturers said I could write, I doubted them. A Psychology essay yes, a book no. I still tried and failed occasionally and I knew how much effort was required. I knew how much effort the old man had put in. I felt my resolve suddenly beginning to weaken, as I sat then Emma rushed in with breakfast. I sat up smiled at her and spent a happy ten minutes devouring my food, drinking my coffee, reading the paper and thinking, of absolutely nothing, great displacement therapy. Then out of the blue it occurred to me that maybe I was missing something. The old man was exceptionally intelligent and I might even be wrong about the senility so I wrote down a number of what I felt to be pertinent questions, questions I needed answers to. In the time I’d sat there I’d realised it was really his theories I had a problem with and I needed some answers if I was going to even consider the possibility of representing the work.
Doctor Arieh Nathan was frail-looking but there was a gleam in his pale blue eyes. He arrived exactly fifteen minutes late, as he said he would, hung his hat and coat in the foyer and waved at me. I returned the gesture and beckoned him to sit down in the comfortable leather chair in front of me He was as keen and eager as ever and those eyes were bright with hope. I admit feeling slightly anxious.
“Cup of tea Ari? Or do you want a coffee?”
“That’s kind Lionel but no. Now let me ask you and be honest. You like the book yes?”
I used to like hearing that German-Jewish accent; he sounded and looked a little like Einstein I always used to think. It looked like this time Einstein was about to get blown out. Basically, I launched right in.
“I’m sorry Arieh, the short answer is, no, it won’t sell and I can’t take it on.”
“Ahh! I was afraid of this .Can you tell me why. I mean it’s not just about the money is it?”
I squirmed in my seat. “Come on Arieh, you know I’m not like that but it has to pay its way. We’re not a charity but let me tell you right now its going to bomb.”
“But why?” The old man looked upset but not that surprised
“Because it’s just…” I faltered
“Yes? What?” he was leaning forward in his chair, with an encouraging look in his eyes.
I shot a sideways at Emma and she was looking at me, mouth slightly agape, the way someone looks at you when you are about to say something awful. I summoned the courage.
“OK you asked. It’s dull tedious, naive and unrealistic and it will make you a laughing stock amongst academics and the Public alike. Satisfied? It’s not the style or the way you word things, you haven’t lost the touch there. It’s what it’s about, the points you make. It’s far fetched, impractical and unsellable. I’m sorry Arieh but….”
He raised a hand for silence and then used it to smooth down a rogue strand of white hair behind his ear. Then taking out a handkerchief he dabbed his eyes. The old man was crying and I suddenly felt awful. Emma gave me a dirty look. My heart was sinking fast and I felt the old pain in my left kidney return for a moment. I came close to saying suddenly and out of a sense of compassion that I’d give it a go , but my business sense stopped me. I cared for this old man, he reminded me of my Grandfather. We were more than business associates. We were friends but I kept telling myself business is business.
He struggled with himself for a while before he could speak
“I’m sorry for the tears Lionel , I really am, I cry because I knew deep down that you would say no but I’d hoped otherwise. This book it is the culmination of everything I believe in. It is the most important book I have ever written. It is the one you must get published.”
I wasn’t going to be moved “It’ll flop, Ari, don’t you see, no one will be interested. I’m trying to be realistic here.”
The Doctor put his hands together “OK look I’ll tell you what .Please give me some time to convince you otherwise. Will you do that for me? I mean here and now .”
“Of course I’ll listen, I’ve already made the time, I owe you that . Look Ari you know I’d push it if I could, if I saw anything in it, and not just for the money but for you as well. You know that, don’t you ?”
He smiled through his tears “Yes of course. Forgive a silly old man. OK I will try and convince you. Maybe we can come up with a way of selling it together yes?”
I nodded without conviction. I was not looking forward to the rest of the day. But I caught Emma’s look of sympathy for him as he cried and I just couldn’t say no. The only good thing was when I did agree to listen she smiled that lovely smile at me.
The old man stood up slowly and began to pace the parquet floor
“Where to begin? where to begin? OK I want you to open your mind a little Lionel ?”
“Meaning ?”
“Just forget what you think you know about life and at the same time forget what you think you think you know. No I am joking I just want you to relax and listen carefully OK ?”
“OK, but I think you will be wasting your time . No hypnotism!” I smiled at him and he returned it
“No of course not. Now close your eyes.”
I did as he asked
“Now I’m going to talk through the book. Use your imagination. Imagine a world where everything you wished for came true, everything you wanted came to be. Are you imagining”?
I opened an eye to wink at Emma “Yes I am”
“Now believe it or not this is the world we actually live in, this is our reality, everything we want in our hearts we can have, everything we wish for, does really come true for us, yes?”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “Well yes I read this in your book. I hear what you are saying but no, I didn’t accept it …..”
“No of course you don’t, who does? Close your eyes again. Many people don’t accept it, they laugh at the idea. There are so many arguments against the idea. A cynic would argue that he or she always wanted to win the lottery but hasn’t so far, so how can the old Doctor be right yes? He must be crackers. But don’t you see it’s absolutely true. It’s a fact. In the words of Jesus and forgive me for the irony of a Jew quoting his wisdom, Seek and ye will find and this is actually a fact, a scientific fact. Also he said you reap what you sow, and again he was literally right as science has shown i.e. through work on cause and effect. But we as a species are reluctant to accept this Why is this? Do you know?”
I shook my head.
“Simply because it would mean we’d have to take responsibility for every action we take. It would mean that we’d have to think carefully all the time before we act because we’d no longer be able to shut out the thought that everything we think say and do has a consequence. We couldn’t enjoy winging it, gambling, taking a chance, not thinking at all. But ironically, any number of us would agree that, knowing whatever we wanted always came to pass, we could really lead full lives. It would just take a little practice but it would be a good thing yes?”
I nodded, silently thanking my parents for giving me a good enough education to be able to follow what the Doctor was saying and wondering at the same time where he was going with this.
He paused for breath and the phone rang .Emma answered it, nothing important, just another hopeful wondering whether we received their script. I nodded to Arieh to continue and was relieved to see that Emma started her typing. I had noticed she was listening intently to the Doctor and this made me slightly uneasy.
The Doctor resumed his pacing. “Well it’s an absolute fact. Whatever we want we do get. Whatever is in our hearts, that’s what we get. Its a fact, its irrefutable, take it from me . We don’t believe it because of the time lag between cause and effect.”
“The what?”
The time lag. The time lag between reaping and sowing, between cause and effect that period of time, one of the things that makes it difficult for us to link cause and effect Here we are talking about seeking being the cause and finding being the effect. Because of this time lag, we don’t believe we always get what we were looking for.“I see”.
But also the trouble is very many of us don’t actually know, as we go along through life, what it is we are really looking for, so when we get whatever it is we didn’t know we were looking for we aren’t very happy. Do you follow? We get lost.” And because we didn’t really know we were looking for it we don’t believe we all find what we seek .”
I was beginning to feel a little lost myself, but I thought I’d got the gist. He could see I was struggling .
“Ok Lionel look in simpler terms we all sleepwalk, we drift along, we follow a few vague aspirations and when we have a crisis or express our discontent at our life it is because we have had no direction. We have found what we have been looking for i.e. a drifting vagueness. . This happens to many of us and it’s made worse by our mistaken belief that our goals should be material ones as if they could provide any lasting satisfaction.”
I nodded “Yes that last bit makes sense. The pursuit of materialism doesn’t lead to more happiness, but as you’ll agree without any comforts we’d be miserable”
He gave me a rather sad smile “Yes perhaps but the essential thing to understand is that whatever it is that dominates our thoughts is what we consciously or unconsciously are seeking and what we end up with. Remember I said whatever it is that dominates our thoughts. Thoughts are forces that set actions into motion. They are energy and they are very powerful more powerful than we could ever have imagined. The realisation of this fact is quite frightening for people which is why they don’t want open to it. Many can’t. Armed with this knowledge we could all transform our lives but we just don’t want to, or can’t accept it. There are several reasons why. As I say, it’s too frightening for some. Others believe it for a while then give up, when things go against them. This happens in the short term. Some think it’s more developed than it is. They think they can wish and something appears, well not yet . Many just drift along with a whole collection of thoughts in their heads, and if we could properly analyse these thoughts we’d find they too get what they seek. I mean the drifters find driftwood .Lionel do you agree?”
Emma was nodding but I’d not been listening and I suddenly thought of school and all those times I’d not paying attention. I’d been caught out . My mind had actually drifted to another pressing matter, namely a draft of a new book that had been sent in a few days earlier I hadn’t been able to put it down. It was all about a secret sect called the Illuminati and the way they control us. Then I remembered something I’d meant to tell the old man at the beginning.
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